Ranty Rant with Lots of Profanity

I need to breathe. Just breathe. I just went through the cutting tag on Tumblr and now my heart is beating fast and I feel unstable. I'm biting my lip and the pain is grounding me. I have to tell myself that cutting won't help even though I think it will. I hate this I hate this I hate this. Why am I so fucking angry and unhinged all of a sudden??? Damn it damnit damnit.

I wrote my most recent DC Comp paper partially about cutting and my teacher didn't, like...do anything. I had my favorite teacher look over my draft and she warned me that my DC Comp teacher would probably be concerned and want me to talk to the counselor, but she just kind of breezed past it. I didn't write it for pity, but some sort of reaction or comment about it would have been nice.

Hacking into my skin feels like it would be so satisfying right now. So far, my cutting episodes have been timid, shallow scrapes. But I have the urge to grab a blade and swing it at my skin in big, violent strokes.

Wristbands are my new thing - I got three from LeakyCon. Earlier on Etsy I found some awareness bracelets, and I think I'm going to get an anxiety awareness bracelet.

My mind is still racing, but I feel a little better. I'm just going to type until I don't feel the immediate extreme need to cut.

School isn't too bad so far, but I hate having some of my classes every day. I love having a few of my classes - Bio, French IV - every day, but some of my classes drive me up the fucking wall. My Psychology teacher doesn't ever know what the hell he's talking about, and now that I've noticed that he just talks out of his ass I wanna scream the whole class. NOBODY CARES THAT YOU'VE HAD LUCID DREAMS. YOU ARE NOT A SPECIAL FUCKING SNOWFLAKE. College Algebra isn't all that hard so far, but I hate it because it's math. I thought Accounting was going to be a really easy class, but it's actually a brainteaser, and I don't like it.

Thank God I have Bio and French IV every day. I need the consistency of my French class, and I love most everybody in that class. In Bio today, I used HST's computer to print off my DC Comp paper (the one that talks about cutting) and he saw some of it. We talked a little bit and he confessed that he has anxiety and depression issues too. It totally fits in with what I know about him, and I love knowing that about him. Not just because I have a huge freaking crush on him, but because I enjoy knowing about him as a person. Tomorrow is late start, and I think I'm going to ask him to read my DC Comp paper since I know he knows what I'm going through, at least a little bit. I also kind of want to talk to Favorite Teacher, but I probably shouldn't do it right before school since it'll probably end with me in tears.

I have so many people who love me, and even people I'm passing acquaintances with have told me I can talk to them. So why do I feel like I can't talk to anybody and just rant and cry and scream and not give a fuck about appearances?

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck