Kick the Can'ts - BEDA Day 4

I have a quote written on my white board in my room.

"She turned her can'ts into cans and her wishes into plans." 

I am in love with this quote. Even though I'm generally an optimistic person (I really am! I swear!), my anxiety and depression keep me from seeing the sunlight sometimes. I wallow in my misery and start thinking that my life is never going to get better. This quote reminds me that not only do I need to think positively, but I also need to take action towards what I want. I want to live in NYC and travel the world. So the first step would be to start saving money, something I'm horrible at. But this quote reminds me of my motivations. I'll turn my dreams into plans.

Tomorrow night I go to my mom's, where I won't be able to blog, so I'm going to see if there's a way I can set up a queue. If not, I'll make up the slack later.

ALSO IN FIVE DAYS I TURN SEVENTEEN. I CAN'T WAIT TO USE MAGIC OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL AND GET MY APPARITION LICENSE!!!

Let's Talk About Sex - BEDA Day 3

There was a lot of sex in my Tuesday.

First of all, I finished Fifty Shades of Grey, the infamous Twilight-BDSM-fanfic-turned-bestseller. It read exactly like the fanfiction it once was. I'm not convinced the author did anything to her manuscript besides find-replace the names. Honestly, I think Stephenie Meyer could successfully sue E. L. James if she was so inclined. I haven't added Fifty Shades of Grey to Goodreads yet because I'm still processing it. There isn't much to be said for the prose, and the plot was ridiculous. Were the sex scenes redemptive enough? Maybe I'm inclined to give it more than a one-star rating because it was a whole bunch of hot smut in one place, whereas in order to find that on fanfiction.net, I'd have to search for hours and hours. I also have to weigh how much I enjoyed it against its quality. It truly is an awful book, but I read it in two days and liked the experience. So I'm thinking it gets two stars.

The second bit of sex in my Tuesday was the lecture on female reproduction in Anatomy. It was given by Hot Student Teacher, so that was exciting. We talked about birth control, and I felt awkward knowing as much as I did. I wondered how that was perceived by my classmates. I mean, I'm an awkward, nerdy, short girl, and here I am spouting facts about how IUDs work (BTW, they work by blocking off the Fallopian tubes, and the copper of which they're often made up changes the chemical makeup of vaginal secretions so that they're more acidic, making it harder for sperm to survive) and all this other stuff. I like being well-informed and educated, even if I'm not currently sexually active, but would other people assume that? I didn't worry about it too much, though.

Aaaand now I'm going to watch Arrested Development and How I Met Your Mother while I have Scooby Doo fruit snacks, Gushers, and a Capri Sun. Then Imma go to bed. I love you guys. *hugs*

Postscript: I had therapy today, and it helped a LOT. My therapist had me sign a contract stating I will not harm myself. I'm feeling soooooo much better. I freakin' love my therapist.

BEDA Day 2

I'm pretty sure my sister suspects. She saw a few of the scratches near my knee and asked about them. I told her that our dog did it. Then today we were going through the bag of books I checked out from the library this afternoon and she found Cut by Patricia McCormick. She asked me why I got it in this really transparent voice. She's never questioned my choices before; we're both very well-read. I told her just because.

I've also not been eating well and I've been sleeping a lot. Thank God I have therapy tomorrow. I feel so fucked up right now. It's taking a huge effort just to write this post in a coherent manner.

I kind of hate myself right now.

Morning-After Regrets - BEDA Day 1

Last night, I had a one night stand with cutting. Writing my last post triggered me, ironically enough. I just wanted to know what it would do.

At one point, I had a box of one hundred box cutter blades in my Amazon cart. $12.08 with shipping. It seemed so easy to get a lifetime supply of the stereotypical cutter's razors. But I texted Kelly and Laura and they told me not to. I had a hard time figuring out how to delete it from my cart, but I did. It scared me how close I came. I also went through the cutting tag on Tumblr. That was probably a really bad idea. It was kind of like thinspiration for somebody with an eating disorder. I did see a post where somebody said if you're thinking about cutting, don't. It's so hard to stop. But I ignored it.

I started out just scratching my right thigh with the pointy end of a nail file. I drew big grids of welts across my leg. The way the welts formed fascinated me. Rows of raised skin, slightly red. I was scratching, but not cutting.

Then the scratching wasn't enough. I needed to break skin. I wanted to draw a little bit of blood. Not gushing, just a drop or two. I remembered the cuticle remover I had in my manicure kit. It scrapes cuticles away with a thing that has like two prongs. It kind of digs it out. I looked, but some of the implements in my manicure kit were gone. I wondered if my sister had stolen them. She doesn't know that my medication changed because I considered hurting myself; she just knows that it wasn't working right anymore. But she's a smart girl. I wouldn't put it past her to have figured it out. Then I looked in the box of old nail stuff in my closet. I didn't find the other stuff, but I did find a pair of cuticle nippers. They have handles kind of like pliers. They look like small bone snips.

I opened them as wide as they'd go and dragged it across my leg. A satisfying welt appeared. It was more than a scratch, but not a full-fledged cut. I dug the tip in a little bit and pressed as I dragged. I drew some blood that time. I stopped to look at the thin line of red on my leg. I had finally gone past thoughts to actual action. I wasn't sure yet if that was a good thing or not.

All in all, I drew blood in a dozen places on my right thigh, made probably 25 scratches, and scratched my left thigh in three places.

Then it started to sting. What I had done sunk into my thick skull, and I cried. I failed Laura, Kelly, and my best friend Faith. They had all been telling me that they loved me, that I shouldn't do it, and that I was stronger than this. I was selfish and stupid and reckless and did it anyway. I texted them all that I had done it. Kelly got upset, Laura told me to throw them away, and Faith was really sad. How could I do that to them? They love me as much as anyone in my family. I was stupid and so so SELFISH. I threw the cuticle nippers in the bathroom trash, where I'd be less likely to fish them out. Then I told myself never again.

All the consequences swirled through my head. I would have to be really careful around my sister. I would have to wear pants or long shorts, and it's warming up a lot here. I don't know how long it'll take for them to heal. I didn't think this through at all. I had no thoughts about what would happen after I cut. All of my thoughts were in the moment. Holy shit, I'm doing this. I've gone off the deep end. I know this is wrong but it feels a tiny bit right. Where is my sense?


I felt better after I cut. I don't think it was because of the actual act of cutting, I think it was the conclusion of the will-I-or-won't-I that I've been going through for a month or so. Guess what, Megan. You did it. And not a damn thing has changed. Now you've got this to worry about on top of everything else.

I don't think I'll cut again. I need to pay really close attention to my moods and keep busy. The biggest part f my problem last night was that I dwelled on it for two hours. It seemed like I had less and less to lose the more time went on. From now on, though, I'm going to divert my attention at the first sign of trouble. I'll color, read, write, watch TV, go on a walk, sing, play Wii, play Mancala by myself, make my sister play a game with me, clean my room, do laundry, SOMETHING. Anything but hurt myself.

Side note: Today I'm starting Blog Every Day April! Not every post will be about cutting, I promise. I'm just going through emotional turmoil right now.